When you ask Mommy what she would like for breakfast, lunch, dinner, Christmas, Mother’s Day and any other occasion and her answer is SLEEP, it’s time.
If Mommy’s new hair style resembles an electrocution in a ponytail, it’s time. Do her eyebrows resemble caterpillars? It’s really time!
If Mommy’s favorite jacket has shoulders covered in puke stains, burped carrots, drool and boogies, it’ time. Remember when a stay hair on her navy coat made her crazy? Hah! It’s lost in a nest of bacteria brewing up there now.
If Mommy is obsessed with baby’s pooping schedule, consistency and amount, it’s time. When she calls you at work to say, “I have great news! He had a blowout. It was a good size and nice brown color, with a tint of yellow. It’s going to be a good day.” Oh yeah, it’s time for sure!
If Mommy’s pajamas are now her dress wear, it’s time. If they don’t match, it’s an emergency! You have no time to waste. If she’s wearing a Little Kitty top and a Hot Mama bottom (or vice versa) she is hitting bottom.
If Mommy cries when the cute kitten/puppy on TV is rescued, it’s time. Okay we’ve all felt sentimental watching these shows, but when she is wailing and sobbing uncontrollably, trying to find her shoes to go to the shelter, you are in trouble.
If Mommy is more of a Mommy than a wife lately, it’s time. Remember all of those cozy nights by the fire? You don’t? Well they were romantic times. You loved them. Take my word for it. The only way to get them back is to give Mommy a break. Yes, this means you taking the baby while she has a bath with candlelight. Check on her periodically. She may be so tired her hair could catch on fire if she leans too close to the candle.
You can also encourage her to go out with girlfriends to rejuvenate so she can maintain her adult vocabulary. Remind her not to ask her friend about their bowel habits. She will return home a new woman!
If Mommy’s idea of a fancy gourmet dinner is extra pepperoni on a cheese pizza, it’s time. She may also eat it cold for breakfast, lunch and any leftovers will be your dinner again. These are signs that she is on a “carb-can’t –you-see-I’m- losing- it?” downward spiral. It’s nearing intervention time for you.
Men, these are tell-tale signs that Mommy needs a date. You need to make it happen. Mommy is drowning in motherhood. She needs to come up for air and you, my man, are her hero.
Arrange a sitter and take the woman you love out to dinner. I should warn you that will need to pry her from the baby and carry her to the car. Insist she dress up like her old self. She might even remember how to apply make-up. Compliment her profusely. Once at the restaurant, do not talk about baby. This will be difficult because she misses baby. If you slip and mention baby, she will cry, however if you don’t mention baby, she will also cry. (If she’s nursing, the mention of baby may make her boobs fill up and leak.) Keep the compliments coming and hold hands. Signal the waiter nonchalantly that you need more napkins. She might tell you that you are the best husband in the whole world, as she shoves the napkins into her bra.
I know that sitting across from the love of your life who now has two huge wet circles on her breasts and red eyes from crying over missing the baby may not sound romantic. Trust me…it’s very romantic. However keep in mind that she may have a slip and ask if you pooped today. If she does that, take dessert to go and head home.
This phase will pass eventually. Parenthood doesn’t come with a manual. Even a toaster has a six page tutorial of how to make the toast pop up. Babies, on the other hand, are like a puzzle. It takes a few tries to get things right. Just remember, baby doesn’t know what the hell is going on either. It takes a little while to learn how to become a new family. You’re all in this together.
And the really good news is once baby is two when you and Mommy escape for dinner, you get to ask for the highchair because guess who’s having a date with you! That’s right!
Babies love date nights. Oh baby!