I will never be President, although I am extremely patriotic. I sing the national anthem loud and proud at events, even when the people in the rows ahead of me hold their ears. I usually get mascara stains down my cheeks and my nose turns big and red when tears begin to fall. It’s a very patriotic, if not beautiful, sight.
The reasons I can’t be President are simple:
I don’t like to argue. I think we should all sit down and have a chat over coffee and Danish. If the other person gets nasty, I will eat their pastry in one big bite. I call it anger control.
I get really disheartened and annoyed when people put viciously mean things in print. Those words would never be spoken face to face. Therefore I would have an Editor-in-Chief to enrich the story, minus the vile spin. I’m not ignoring freedom of speech, just giving the writer a little education on manners.
I am a nightmare when it comes to political correctness. A few examples:
“This election has “gone to the dogs.” I just offended dog owners and PITA will be at my door shortly.
I love “Italian wedding cake.” I just offended Jewish Apple Cake, Irish scones and French Croissants.
I have wonderful black friends. Now my white and oriental friends will think I like my black friends better.
To be totally honest, my memory is not good. I have forty-six notes with new e-mail codes to change my password. Even when I write them in my password book, they don’t match. I re-named it my Scratch-off book. I really could lose my e-mails if my fingers get any chubbier and hit the wrong keys.
I might slip up in a speech and call myself the wrong name or party. The older I get names just roll off my tongue hoping someone will answer.
I like to have a glass of wine or two. After two glasses, I should never be allowed to hold a microphone. Joe Biden and I could do one hell of a duet. Oh crap! If John Kerry hears that he will be offended that I didn’t choose him.
I am a procrastinator, so The Wall may be finished in 2116. I have good intentions, but I get distracted. I need a Focus class.
I am not scripted. I am a Toastmaster, but I cannot memorize a speech. Therefore, every speech will be different the second, fifth and tenth time I give it. I apologize to the teleprompter person in advance. I just like to spice things up.
There would be no cheating if I was president. You can’t give me five hundred thousand dollars and think I’ll be your best friend. “Money Can’t Buy Me Love”. Even the Beatles know that. Keep your money or give it to someone who really needs help.
If I ever was president, I would demand free and honest speech. Although, last night when my husband asked if I ate the potato chips, I lied and crunched. “What potato chips?’ I asked as I wiped the crumbs off my chin.
I have a fear of embarrassing myself as president at the Easter Egg Hunt. If I hid those eggs, I’d never remember where they were. Months later, in the heat of mid-July, there would be a stench around the White House.
I would make an ordinance for very man, woman and child to respect the American flag. If you burn it, off you go to find the rotting Easter eggs on the White House lawn. You will then go into solitary confinement and watch old war movies until you understand that men and women fought for our freedom. If that doesn’t hit your heart, you will volunteer at a VA Hospital.
I would make an official rule to stop filibustering. Say what you mean. Mean what you say and do it in under twenty minutes. After that, you are repeating yourself and we can all get that at home. We need a hook or a Gong banger.
Before we take on foreign interests, I would make sure we are taking care of our own citizens. This will stir up the do-gooders, but just imagine if you lived in a neighborhood and you took care of all the families on the street, while your family fell apart. Even Old Mother Hubbard would agree with me, if she had the strength.
To improve foreign relations, I would invite every nation’s president and first lady to visit me on St Pete Beach. Their children will be included to insure our future generations have the opportunity to enjoy Anne’s Party Picnic. They’d learn at a young age that we are not just countries. We are all people. I’d order huge tents, massive grills and extra large coolers. There is usually music there so we could all dance. This alone will improve relations, if I don’t step on their feet. I won’t be spending tax dollars for this huge event. I will ask them all to chip in and maybe we’ll have a 50/50 raffle and bring a pot luck meal.
As the night comes to an end, we would sit in a semi- circle in our beach chairs, with our toes in the water. As the sun begins to set, we would smile at each other and say, “We need to do this more often.” We would all marvel at the beauty of the sun easing into the water surrounded by a magnificent pink, blue and purple sky. The musicians usually play What a Wonderful World at sunset. We’d smile at each other and nod in agreement.
Come to think of it, maybe I need to get my name on a ballot.