I am in the midst of writing Angel Bumps, a story about signs from people who have passed. As I’m writing, I realized what my sign will be when I leave this world. Listen up, folks! If your computer ever, ever takes it upon itself to write:
Somedays I rarely mister Anne…instead of Some days I really miss Anne. I am with you.
I really like to grunt and ply on the bitch…instead of I like to run and play on the beach. I’m sitting right next to you.
“Red Tide schmells like rectal masher.…instead of Red Tide contains fecal matter.” I am whispering in your ear.
I don’t miss my penrods….instead of I don’t miss my periods. I am looking over your shoulder.
I am not fangy….instead of I am not angry. I am always with you.
My computer is a constant foe. WE battle faily. (see what I mean?) In most areas of my life, I am a decent communicator. (Can you hear my computer chuckling?) Mr. Dell seems to think he’s a geius. (Hahaha I just otld him!) …uh oh this game is getting serious now! He’s quicker than I thought.
Every blessed time I type the word “you”…it writes oyu. (Phonetically, it’s a howl). We are going to need to compromise in our battles very soon. I can’t be howling at people.
I am hoping that by the time I leave this world, Mr. Dell will have gone before me and I can send you a better Angel Bump sign. There are no guarantes in life. For the love! He’s doing it again. My poor spellcheck button is exhausted. I am all cursed out. I used to be a happy little (that’s an exaggeration) woman, but I’ve turned into a keyboard slamming, foul mouthed, illiterate of a woman. (If Mr. Dell smiles at that, I will bash him with a hammer.) Apparently, I have also becocome ferocious…..and here we go again. Maybe he changed my sentence above from angry to fangy. He thinks he knows me.
My words are no longer my own. My thoughts are smeared by the time they reach the computer. A disturbing thought just occurred to me. Cold it be my chubby fingers betraying me? (Aha! They just did it! Busted!!)
I a so sorry Mr. Dell. Can we be friends? Just oyu and me?