Let me confess at the start. I like to sing, but I am not blessed with a harmonizing voice. I can’t sing. I even hum off key. This is why I was shocked when my rear end began singing musical notes. I noticed it this week when I threw off the covers and sprang (okay it really took a few minutes) to climb out of bed to write at 5 a.m. I was humming Good Morning Sunshine when “Root * a * toot * toot,” my rear end piped up. I don’t think she was happy I was getting up so early.
I sang Sweet Caroline while my coffee brewed and my rear end piped in again. Sweet Caroline toot * toot * toot, Good times never felt so good toot * toot * toot* toot.
I’m afraid to sing in church now. Once the music starts, there’s no telling what might happen. If the organ ends a moment too soon, I’d be banned from the pew. The worse part honestly is that my rear end has better tone than I do. It’s like we’re two separate people. I christened her Roxanne.
I never know, other than when I’m singing, when Roxanne will show up. Like an unwelcomed guest, she usually arrives up at the most inopportune times. I was in the bank last week waiting in a very slow moving line. Soft music serenaded us from the sound system. I was starting to doze off when Roxanne showed herself. The tune was one of my Smokey Robinson favorites, My Girl. I even sang along quietly. Did Roxanne? Oh no!
I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day…toot * toot
When it’s cold outside I’ve go the month of May…toot * toot
I scanned the lines of people. Not a single rear end was singing along.
She was doing a solo! I left the bank. Roxanne sang all the way out the door…toot * toot * toot * toot.
This new talent did not make it any easier to fulfill my resolution to work out. I’m not a gym rat. I don’t even like going to the gym. People grunt there and sweat a lot. This is where Roxanne shines. Every machine has a new tune. Leg squats…three toots.
Thigh extensions get two toots per leg. Core exercises are so special that they get a five star toot. Apparently one of us like to work out.
Water Zumba was my only hope for getting in shape. We lined up in the pool while the sixteen- year old instructor explained our goals. Suddenly from no where, well actually from my very own rear end, Roxanne acted like she was drowning. Bubbles were everywhere!
The music hadn’t even started yet! I not only had a musical rear end, I had a drama queen back there,
I never did this when I was young. I bounced and jumped and ran like a gazelle with not a single toot. Now I have a concert behind me. She thinks she’s a rock star!
Oh, for the love! She must have read my thoughts. Roxanne is practicing already!! She likes ZZ Top’s, Sharp Dressed Man. She does have good taste in music!
As soon as I stop dancing, I’m going to have a serious talk with her.