I thought I’d grown warts on my knees. When I pinched them, I felt a tingle in my nipples. I looked to the Heavens and prayed, “Dear God, please don’t let those big old warts really be my nipples!” I kept praying until the tingling went away. I inspected them closely. “Oh crap! They were my nipples!”
I knew menopause was taking its toll on my body, but things were already bad enough. Not only my mind had been altered, my body was morphing into an odd, fat, creature with warts on her knees. I’m still in denial that they really are my nipples. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. It seemed to happen overnight so I went out and bought a case of Buzz drinks. I was never going to sleep again. Who knew what other misery could happen in the dark.
My eyes were heavy at my usual reclining hour of eight thirty. Before the Menopause Fairy visited me, I could stay awake and dance into the wee hours. Now, to survive I found myself I drinking energy drinks. After sipping just one Buzz drink, I felt a bit woozy. When I looked in the mirror, my left eye was half shut, but the right one was wide open and spinning. I lifted the left eye and it began to swirl too. My heavy eyelid had just fallen over my eye. I think the cosmetologist call it droopy eyelid syndrome. I added it to the list of my droopy body parts.
I finally accepted that my “warts” were not going away. Even if I joined a gym, there wasn’t a machine for this condition. I could get tangled in the chest press. I could probably work out my thighs and sagging breasts on the same machine, but I didn’t want to risk getting my breasts stuck in the thigh press. There were so many risks. It just wasn’t safe. And there it is…another reason that I should not go to the gym! Maybe the “warts” were actually a sign from God to keep me safe.
There were other issues to concern myself with. Spring was coming. That means just around the corner, I’d need to wear shorts. I cried at the thought of it. Even if I wore capris, my warty nipples would get rubbed raw.
Mid-life, menopausal induced madness and the horrors of aging have taken its toll. It really wasn’t so bad until my nipples appeared on my knees. I’m afraid to look at my armpits now.
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