Rather than focus on personal responsibility, I think we need to remove the following things from our lives:
Cupcakes, pies and cookies- While these treats are very enjoyable, the sugar can lead to diabetes and tooth decay. Rather than expect people to eat in moderation and brush their teeth, they shall be removed from the store shelves after Memorial Day. Better stock up now.
Alcohol- The number of deaths from drunk driving is staggering, and avoidable. Rather than expect people to be responsible while enjoying a cocktail, alcohol will need to be removed after the 4th of July fireworks display.
Cars- Due to the number of mortal accidents, all automobiles will be removed from the streets after summer vacation. Enjoy your time off with the family. Return the keys to the post office drop off box when you return. Having a car has the potential of physical harm.
Cell Phones- Many car accidents are due to talking on the phone, texting and screaming at the children in the back seat. Therefore, no automobile will start until the phone is locked in the trunk. The children will no longer be permitted to ride in your car this summer. It’s just too risky.
Knives- While your serrated knife may slice your fresh-baked butter top bread, it could injure someone if you cut their arm with it. Therefore, they will be collected on June 4th. Just rip your bread into pieces and be safe. Feel free to use a butter knife to load on the butter.
Fertilizer- In addition to giving you a beautiful lawn and garden, this product can be used to make bombs. It will be banned for the spring planting season. We can’t have people pretending to fertilize their lawn, trees and gardens with such a dangerous item.
Binoculars- We all know that peeping Tom’s use binoculars. Say no more, ban them immediately. Bird watchers will need to adjust. Private investigators, ditto.
Coffee- An excess of caffeine has caused me to clean my entire house in less than an hour. My pulse increased to 120. I was sweating profusely and cursing. As you can see, this is not healthy. All coffee products will be banned on June 15th after your morning Joe. In addition, it stains your teeth. You can thank me later for the ban.
Sex- Considering the rise in STD reports and unwanted pregnancies, all sex must end immediately. Don’t moan to me that you are responsible…blah blah blah. Just stop having sex NOW!
Money- People can spend money purchasing unhealthy items that are potentially dangerous. They might buy: chocolate covered cereal, a cough suppressant, a spatula, ice cream, and cookie dough.
The sweet cereal leads to diabetes; even worse the toys in the box could be a choking hazard. Cough suppressant can lead to addiction. Have you ever been spanked with a spatula? It leaves welts! Ice cream is full of sugar that will rot your teeth. Cookie dough will make you very happy, but it will also give you an upset stomach.
Guns-We have two guns in our house. I’ve never shot anyone, or plan to. However, if at two a.m. someone breaks into our house, I will wake my husband and tell him to shoot. All guns should be forbidden to anyone under the age of 21 and the application to get a gun should be the size of a mortgage application. It should take at least three working days to fill it out. This alone will deter gun purchases.
Kissing- Imagine the number of germs that are being spread! This can turn into bronchitis or pregnancy. Either way, you’ll need a car to get to the doctor and that’s another risk of injury on the road. Don’t risk your life.
Exercise- Last week a woman fell off a treadmill and had to be hospitalized. All mechanical workout equipment should immediately be unplugged and discarded. The woman was texting on her phone, but the authorities are convinced the equipment is the real problem.
Bicycles- Some cyclists ride hunched over their bike. With the shiny, sleek clothing they wear, drivers can be distracted by the “rear view” of the cyclist. All bicycles will need to be sold for scrap metal by Sept 1st.
Beans- While beans are touted to be healthy and high in fiber, the after shock of gas could be an environmental hazard; especially after Taco Tuesdays. No more beans, people!
Pillows- You could smother in your sleep. I’m sure it has happened somewhere.
Bathing- No more baths or showers will be permitted. There is a good chance you’ll fall and break your hip. Most accidents happen in the home. Get creative and use your tub as a planter.
Once these hazardous items are removed from our society, feel free to stay in the comfort of your home. Better to be safe than sorry.
More updates will be released soon. Stay tuned