Moms, if you are ready to tie your own tubes with a string from the pork roast, please read this article.
There are many things about being a parent that I learned twenty years too late. When you’re in the trenches of motherhood, you do your absolute best to raise the little darling. You know which darling I’m talking about. The little one, who spits peas on your favorite white dress, bites your nipples and screams all night. It’s the same one who has taken up residency on your left hip. Yes, that one! There are things that I finally figured out that just might save your sanity:
#1 Kids don’t eat. Stop trying to shove protein and healthy food down their throats. Give them a corn chip and relax. If they want more, give them the bag. This does not make you a bad mom. Kids just don’t eat some days. I personally can’t understand how they do that.
#2 The little runts don’t sleep. If they notice you yawn, their little inner maniac comes out to play. This is never good. The little inner maniac can go for hours, like a tornado.
#3 Kids cry. You can’t make everything better all the time. Some days they just need to throw one hell of a fit. They scream, yell, stomp, spit, throw things and that’s just the beginning. Let them enjoy the meltdown. It’s good for the soul. I think this could work for adults too, honestly.
#4 Poop is not the biggest thing in the world. There is no reason to get a master’s degree in poop. I know some moms who carry a notebook. There are columns for color, consistency and size. Size matters, once again. Don’t fret over constipation. If you just ignore them, they will conveniently poop behind the sofa while you’re entertaining guests. Voila’ problem solved! Have more dinner parties and your kid will be regular. You can throw that notebook away.
#5 Kids are sassy. They will embarrass you in the check-out line by telling everyone you have a pimple on your butt or a hairy front. For some reason they are consumed with butts. It actually makes sense because that is the part of us they see the most. Keep a tootsie pop in your purse and plug their little mouths when you sense an ass infomercial coming on.
#6 Kids are dirty. They are germs factories with legs. Their hands are in their mouths, up their nose, and let’s not forget their lower body parts. I suggest you keep their hands full of cookies to keep their little hands in place.
#7 Kids don’t always like you. This one is hard to swallow. “I like Daddy better.” Enjoy this moment. Trust me there will be days, months, years when they will be your shadow. Run from the house and enjoy the break.
#8 Kids change their minds all the time. “Do you want juice?” You pour juice. “I want milk.” You pour milk. “I want ice cream.” Do not fall for this one. Give them prune juice to teach them not to screw with mommy’s head. Then get ready to clean up behind the couch.
#9 Kids are not always cute. Some days they look like they’ve been put through a washing machine that got stuck on the spin cycle. Clothes won’t match. Their hair will be standing straight up with static electricity. Fortunately, on these days, they profess their love for you and hug you tight.
#10 Kids are wonderful. Just when you’re about to stick your head in a pre-heated oven, a kid will walk in with a little bouquet of flower heads just for you. They don’t like stems for some reason, so put them in a bowl and let them float.
#11 Kids are smart. You can’t fool them anymore. When it’s time for the Tooth Fairy, they are able to figure out her estimated time of arrival, the current average tooth price, and how fast she has to flutter to get into their room. If the Tooth Fairy is forgetful, they post a bad review on their computers and the tooth price skyrockets.
#12 Kids grow up in the blink of an eye. One day they won’t leave your lap. The next day they’re graduating from kindergarten. Blink again and they’re leaving for college. One more blink and you’re mother of the bride or groom. Before you know it they’re all grown up.
You’ll miss all these days, except for the pooping behind the couch. This is why all the things we worry about as young moms are not that important, after all. I barely survived raising five kids. I’m on the other side now wishing I’d realized what was really important then.
Take the time, enjoy your kids. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good mom.
Now put that string back on the pork roast and preheat the oven for dinner.
lsgaitan23 says
So, Much. Truth!! And so hilariously written. it just doesn’t matter how many times you were told, “It goes so fast,” you are weren’t prepared for how fast it really would go. Young moms, listen to Anne!
Donna says
Saw myself on every point….and we would die for them
Anne Bardsley says
Ain’t that the truth, Donna!
Debbie says
Here’s one for you from the book by Jerry B. Jenkins, “Nothing Can Tear Us Apart.”
“And so it has come down to this: You’re going. Really going. Oh, you’ll be back. It isn’t as if I will never see you again. But when you return home you’ll come as a guest. For all practical purposes you are now gone for good.
“Though you’ll always remain in my heart and be a member of our family, nothing will be the same. You are now your own person, making your own decisions, disciplining or not disciplining yourself.
“It’s stunning to realize that the cliches are true. All those platitudes I heard last week when you were born are not indisputable. “Hang on to every moment,” I was told when I showed you off as our new arrival. “Before you know it, they’ll be gone.”
“I nodded and smiled and pretended to agree, to know, to understand something beyond my wisdom. What did I know? I was barely more than a child myself. Now I tell new parents the same. Now I know. I plead with them to heed, and they nod and smile and pretend to agree.
“You were here such a short time. And if I had my way, I would hold you desperately and keep you here. You can’t understand me just now. You will. Your own child will educate you beyond any classroom or degree. You’ll cradle that baby in your arms, and anything else you ever cared about will pale to worthlessness. Your life, your being will focus on that child. You’ll be awash in a kind of love not often expressed articulately, because there are so few words for it.
“I love you with all that is within me, with a love beyond words. It may take weeks, even months, to adjust to your absence.
“Much as I knew that preparing you for this day was a priority, I spent less time preparing my self. I know you’ll make me proud, because you already have. At this transition, you need to know only one truth. Nothing can tear us apart, though there are many things you could do, out there on your own, to disappoint me, hurt me, or even repulse me. You might even take actions or choose a life-style so nauseating to me that you would be unwelcome in my home as long as you persisted. In a worst-case scenario, I might choose not to finance, let alone condone, such behavior.
“Yet like the father in the parable of the prodigal son, I will stand scanning the horizon for your return. Nothing you can ever do will make you other than my child. I will love you, cherish you, pray for you, and stand ready to forgive you. Anything else would mock the unconditional love God has bestowed on us by calling us His children, which He did even while we were dead in our sins.
“Today is a day when I wish I could approximate the unconditional love of God. Where I have failed to communicate that to you, I can only apologize and ask your forgiveness. For those times when you have felt that my pleasure in you, my love for you, my acceptance of you has been based on performance, I must take responsibility. I’m sorry.
“And while I’m a finite, imperfect, sinful person myself, my goals are lofty. I want you to know and believe that your parents love you more than anything on earth. No matter what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, start or don’t start, finish or don’t finish, accomplish or don’t accomplish, you will still be my child. I will still love you.
“You may be gone from our home, but you will never be gone from my heart. You may choose to leave so that you can cleave to someone else. That is one thing.
“But nothing can tear us apart.”
How many of us can relate to those words? I know I can. I thought the days, weeks, months, years of raising my three sons would last forever. I never prepared emotionally for them to leave. But then in a blink of an eye they were gone. I miss them so. And every time a new baby is born to someone I know I give them a copy of these words and hope and pray that they’ll take them to heart. I would give up the remainder of my time on this earth for just one more day or week or month with my little boys all at home with me.