Those Pesky Pounds

Thank God I am tall! For years I wanted to be 5’2’ but if you gain a pound at that height, it shows. God made me 5’7” for a reason.  I have taken advantage of His kindness though. I was in the grocery store this week and I picked up a bag of sugar. Whoa! Heavy! Then I picked up another one. Holy crap that’s a lot of weight! Then I realized I am carrying six extra bags of imaginary sugar daily. I immediately apologized to my poor feet!

I’ve been blaming these extra thirty pounds on baby weight from when I had my last child. We are celebrating his thirty second birthday this week. I think it’s time I stop blaming him.

I have so much I can blame this weight on:

Hormones/ post-menopausal weight that got lodged in my belly. I might even have pre-menopausal issues left over. There’s a very good chance my body has inherited my procrastination tendencies.

I have difficulty not listening to food when it calls to me. Just today at lunch, I heard the top half of my fresh, Cuban roll cry as I put it in the trash. I had to leave the room or I’d pull it out, slather it with butter and chomp away. It was not easy.

Wine…..it’s a grape already! Therefore it’s a fruit and should have minimal calories.

Lack of exercise: For the love! You expect me to go to the gym? People sweat and grunt there! I would sweat and grunt there! Besides, there are mirrored walls. It’s like a torture chamber.

Low blood sugar: I must eat or I get shaky. When I shake, everything shakes. I do have some self- respect left. Therefore I munch.

Then something happened. My daughter called to tell me she needs to lose weight. She’s a vegetarian and I could only hope to have her body. She can actually wear a bathing suit without a cover up and she has no cellulite. That’s when it hit me. I really do need to lose weight and all I have is excuses. And in full disclosure, I need to drop eight bag of sugar. There I said it!

For the past twenty years, I’ve joked about menopausal changes and weight gain. Hah! What if I really did something about it? One of the gals I met at the Erma Bombeck conference just lost forty pounds by eating sensibly. Now there’s a concept! I keep waiting for a pretty pink pill that will drop pounds, erase wrinkles and whiten my teeth ….. All in one! A Hat Trick if you’re a hockey fan! A trifecta if you’re not.

So I’m marking this date down April 29^th 2015. Today I am beginning a new shedding. I am going to minimalize myself. Do not fear that I will be an incredibly shrinking woman. I do get shaky, remember?  And I’ll need to change that date to May 6^th, 2015.

Oh crap….let’s add just a few more days. I just ate waffle ice cream with caramel out of the container.(May 12^th)