My Black Bean Babies
Black Beans have changed my life! They contain high protein, high fiber and very
little fat. I throw a few in omlettes. I sprinkle them on salads. I even add them to
my veggie pizza. I may have overdosed on them because last Tues at two a.m.
my stomach was rumbling and kicking. Something was dancing to the tune
of the Mumbo. “There better not be a baby in there!” my husband said. I agreed.
At six a.m. I woke to “Chirp, wah-wah, chirp,” noises in my ear. I turned to my
right and there on my pillow were four screaming, black bean babies. They were
staring right at me! I had belched birthed four black bean babies during the night!
My husband leaned over and shrieked, “What the hell?” I had no answers for him.
“I think I belched-birthed them last night. Remember my stomach was upset?”
They kept staring at me and chirping so I thought I better feed them. Half
and Half seemed the best idea because they are so low in fat already.
I named the babies: Bonnie, Barbie, Billy and Bobby. After a few days of taking
care of the four black bean babies, I was exhausted and a crying mess. Post
Bean Depression had set in. I knew I had to see a doctor for anti-depressants,
but which doctor?
OB? No, I didn’t BIRTH them. There was no labor or dilation of my cervix. I’d even
slept through the entire birth!Maybe an internist might be better. I needed a
doctor who could check my throat, since I belched birthed them. I googled a
local specialist and dialed nervously. The nurse said,” Come in immediately.
This sounds serious.” She told me their office was at Garbanzo Ave and Lima Lane,
just a block from All Bean Hospital. Our office is right in the center of St. Beanersburg!
I’d never heard of those streets, but I’d put it in my GPS and be fine. I snapped the
4 black bean babies in their car seats.
The young doctor came in and introduced himself as Dr. Beanstein. I was sure it was
a sign from God. This was the right doctor for me. He was very thorough. He checked
my throat to be sure I didn’t belch a breach birth. “Did you feel any discomfort,
Mrs. Bardsley?” he asked as he listened to my heart. “No, doctor, I didn’t feel a thing.
I slept through the entire birthing.”
He looked into my mouth and when I said, “Ahhhh.” he looked concerned. “I’ve never
treated a condition like yours, but I’m pretty sure they were all naturally belched birthed.
There’s no scaring on your tonsils from a breached bean, as I feared.”
I wept with relief. He gave me a Prozac script and twelve boxes of Gas X.
“Take one Prozac a day and you can take the Gas X anytime you feel nervous
or depressed.” I hugged him!
Bonnie and Barbara were well behaved singing their favorite song from Frozen,
“Let it go, Let it go,” when Billy and Bobby decided to misbehave and sing
over their sweet voices with “Let it rip, let it rip,” in gruff singing voices.
I apologized for their poor behavior. They test my patience some days.
The doctor handed me two Gas X tablets. It was so fast-acting, I calmed
almost immediately. I hugged him again.
We left the office and I promised the four black bean babies that we’d stop
for a smoothie. I drove up to the window and ordered a vanilla smoothie
and a burrito for myself. I’d only taken one bite when they noticed the re-fried
beans, all four of them screamed in chorus. “You’re eating our grandparents!”
They were inconsolable.I threw the burrito out and they calmed down,
still sniffling, to enjoy their smoothie sips. When I got them home I told them
it was nap time and we’d all sing their favorite song, What a Wonderful World
They could join in the chorus, as usual. Then we all needed a rest from the very
busy morning. They were yawning already.
I sang, “I see friends passing by saying how do you do
What they’re really saying is”…they sang their part, “Toot, Toot, Toot.”
Good night my sweet black bean babies. Mama loves you!
“Root a toot-toot!” I whispered. (“I love you,” in black bean language)
p.s. Tall Tale Contests might be my favorite Toastmaster contest. The more
outlandish the tales are, the better! I can barely say the beans names
without laughing. And belched birth delivery isn’t much easier! I got a
2nd place trophy for this competition.
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