Two Faced

When I titled my book, How I Earned My Wrinkles, I never expected to anyone to ask how many wrinkles I had. Seriously, do people actually count them? I didn’t, until that question rattled in my head at three a.m. I should have titled it “How Many Wrinkle Creams Make a Wrinkle Disappear?”

My husband was still asleep when I headed to the three way mirror in the bathroom to inspect my face. She did mean facial wrinkles, didn’t she? I started the count on the left side. If I didn’t smile or squint, I had eight mini-wrinkles in my crows feet. That’s a pretty sturdy crow! On my right side, I counted six mini-wrinkles. I’m lopsided.

In between my eyebrows, there were none, but I need to tweeze immediately. Wild brows may actually be covering the wrinkles. My forehead was good until I frowned. I will never frown again. By the time I got to my cheeks, I’d decided to count the mini-wrinkles as two for one. I now had fourteen minis, plus seven real ones, on my left side.
My left cheek had thirty two mini-wrinkles and four big ones. (16+4=20)
I moved, on dreading the escalating numbers, to my right side. This cheek only had twenty two minis and two large ones (11 + 2=13).

How can I be this lopsided? Apparently, my left side is more stressed than my right. I wonder if I turn facing right in wrinkle making situations, I can slow done my aging process. I tested that theory in a meeting at work last week. When I was pulled on the carpet for a mistake, I immediately asked the boss if we could change seats. She said, “No.” I tried to explain that she was stressing the left side of my face and I really needed to face her on the right. She said, “You are stressing my entire body right now.” She wouldn’t budge. I will need to do further research and get back to you. My left cheek absorbed the additional wrinkles for the sake of the experiment. Count is up four.

It seems I have two personalities in my face. My left side is more intense, worries too much and relives stressful situations. Of course it has more lines. My right side seems to be more carefree. It must be a horrible face to live in. Are we happy? Are we sad? Are we stressed? Who needs a glass of wine?
All I know is that I need to get my faces together and even out these wrinkles. I prefer the right side, but the left side will worry all night that I like that side better.

I’m going to be wrinkled forever!