My husband, Scott, was whispering on the phone in the living room. The fact that he was whispering was a concern. Whispering to his college buddy was even more of a concern. I overheard the following:
“Is it really that big of a difference? How big does it get? How long? Are you serious? Where do you get them?”
I walked into the room and the conversation ended abruptly.
Usually their conversations are filled with insults and laughter, never whispers. One will say, “Your first wife had a hairy chest and a mustache.”
“Yeah, well you fell off a chairlift stoned….on the bunny slope!”
“A ninety year old could beat you at racquetball!”
And my personal favorite, they call each other “Needle d**k the bug f**cker”.
It’s male bonding at its finest.
A few days later, our doctor’s office called to confirm an appointment for Scott. “What appointment? I didn’t make one for him.” “He made this one himself,” she said. She must have him confused with another Scott because my Scott is doctor phobic. I have to accompany him on every visit. When he sees a blood pressure cuff, he almost passes out.
I told him about the call and he said, “Oh good. I can go alone this time.” In thirty years this has never happened. I began to worry he had a fatal disease and didn’t want me to know.
He was gone an hour and when he got home, he was very sullen. He moped around the house. He finally confessed the reason for the visit. “Tom has blood pressure problems and his doc gave him Viagra. He says it’s great.”
‘He says he can do it for hours.” My immediate reaction was “Ouch, hours?” “Why did you go? Your blood pressure is good.”
“I wanted to increase my sexual prowess,” he said. He must have read that somewhere. This is not my husband’s language.
“What??” I shrieked. You wanted to do what???” I asked dumbfounded.
Seriously is everything in a man’s life related to the size of his penis?
“She yelled at me when I told her why I wanted it.” “’Do you want to go blind?’ She shrieked at me. I tried to tell her that Tom loves it and she cut me off and said, ‘Tom can have it. You can’t.’ She was so mean. I almost cried. I am never going back to her. She is really, really mean. I’m calling Tom’s doctor. “ No blue pills for Scott. Poor Scott.
I envisioned this visit and I started to laugh until I was snorting.
A week later, Tom called. He was in the ER. It seems Mr. Needle d**k the bugf**ker got stuck and wouldn’t come back down. Uh-Oh!
“Oh my God you’re in the emergency room? At least the nurses think you have a big one. Were they impressed?”
“Not really. They read my chart. They said it was stupid to take two pills. Everyone is a critic here.”
I called his wife right away. She was in the waiting room “The man is stupid,” she said. “He doubled his dose. He jumped out of bed afterward posing as King Kong. When he realized his Kong was still king, he had a panic attack strutting around the bedroom. An hour later, Kong was still king. After two hours I drove him and Kong to the ER.”
Scott was still on the phone with Tom when I hung up. He was a shade of pale gray and wiping his brow. “It’s twelve inches? Oh my God!”
I thought he meant Kong. “Wait are you talking about the needle…or needle d**ck the bugf**ker?” I asked. I was so confused.
He waived me off.” No the needle the doctor is going to use.”
I said a prayer that night and I thanked God for not making me a man.
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