Scott and I have been married for thirty-five years. In those years, humor has kept our marriage alive and strong. Trust me. I speak from experience. I’ll give you a little peek into my world.
Last year, we got a new alarm system. I was afraid of the panel and never touched it. Scott, on the other hand, likes to know how things work. One night, I went to bed early. I never do that but, on this night, I was the kind of tired to where you just can’t do one more thing. I slipped into my wrinkled, oversized birthday suit and was asleep in seconds.
I was awakened by Scott screaming, “Anne, get up! Get up! The firemen are coming!”
I blinked my eyes and asked, “Do we have a fire?”
“No! Just get up!”
I told him, “No fire. Anne is not getting up.”
I heard him on the phone in the next room, yelling random words as if he had Tourette syndrome. He was talking to the alarm company and trying to remember our password.
He ran back into the room, and I pretended to be asleep.
“Get up! You have to entertain the firemen!” he screamed.
“There is no fire … what firemen?” And how was I supposed to entertain firemen, anyway? It’s not as if I had a pole in my living room to slide down.
I heard sirens coming down the street. They were getting louder and louder. Lights flashed in the window. Our dog, Murphy, howled in tune to the sirens.
“Stop that howling, Murphy,” Scott bellowed.
The woman on the phone from the alarm company apparently felt so badly for Scott she gave him a password hint. It begins with the letter ‘M.’
He began pacing and shouting into the phone, “Mary, Mona, mayo, Martha, Mother of God … I don’t know!” Murphy continued to howl. “Can you hold on a minute, please?” he asked the woman. “Murphy, shut up!” he yelled.
The woman asked, “What was that you said? I thought I heard the password.”
“No, I was just telling the dog to be quiet.”
There was a bang on the door and, by then, I was awake and dressed.
The fireman at the door was wearing a HUGE helmet with a light like they use at the gynecologist’s office. I immediately started cramping. He was holding an axe and dressed in full fireman regalia. Our other dog, Mattie, saw this humongous creature at our door, backed up, and proceeded to pee on the floor.
Scott told the fireman that he was so sorry. He had just tried to adjust the alarm. “It will never happen again,” he swore.
Murphy was still howling.
The firemen got back in the truck and drove down the street. Scott reset the alarm and I heard a huge sigh. I headed back to bed and back into my oversized, wrinkled birthday suit. My head hit the pillow, and I could feel sleep coming on.
Just then, the phone rang. It was the alarm company. Scott hit the wrong button and now they thought we had a burglar. The police had been alerted. They needed our password.
Here we go again.
“Mona, Mary, mayo,” I could hear him saying, “For the love of God!”
I yelled, “It’s the dog’s name … Murphy!”
What does a girl have to do to get some sleep in this house?
Like what you just read? Of course you did! There’s more where that came from! Anne’s new book is available at amazon.com from Blue Lobster Book Co.
About Anne Bardsley
Anne Bardsley is a humor writer, blogger, and author of How I Earned My Wrinkles: Musings on Marriage, Motherhood, and Menopause. Over the years, her work has appeared in several publications. More would be available if she was not so busy pondering ways to firm her thighs. This uses a huge amount of her already limited brain cells. She barely survived raising five kids. They were all worth the labor pains in the long run and have given her wonderful grandchildren. Anne currently lives in St. Petersburg, Florida with her husband of thirty-five years and two spoiled cockatoos.
Photo Pink Sherbet Photography
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Wow, Anne’s story with the fire alarm is a little too familiar!!! Now I can’t wait to read her book, thanks for introducing her to me!
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Thanks for stopping by Kathy! Anne is so funny and so sweet, you’d love her.
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Loved the farcical element to this piece … the way you kept weaving in the dog’s name as your husband tried to frantically think of the password. Comic genius. Great piece!
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A funny story – I loved the idea of cramping at the sight of the fireman’s helmet light! great stuff!
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Now I know where some of the strange alarm calls we get at work come from. Great story!
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Chris Dean
LOVED the book! You are one funny lady that I’m glad I tripped across.
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I swear our husbands must be long lost brothers or something. Absolutely hilarious! Can’t wait to read the rest of the book!
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Oh no, the police after the firemen, perhaps he needs to be banned from that alarm system.. Great post.
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That is hysterical! This right here is the reason my husband isn’t allowed to touch the alarm system! Thanks for the introduction. I’d love to read this.
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LOVE Anne! It was great meeting her at ERMA and I can’t wait to read her book!
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Haha! Loved reading this. Thanks for a much needed laugh this morning.
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Hi! I’m Linda Roy. My nickname is elleroy. I’m a humorist, musician, writer, mom, and the female Larry David. I’ll criticize your parallel parking to prove it. I write about where I’ve been, what I’m doing and where I’m going. If anybody asks, tell ’em “elleroy was here”.
top 10 greatest hits
ranked #1 for humor 10/26/12
unceremoniously bumped by that effing squirrel & kitty video 10/27/12
Love this post from Anne! Thanks for hosting her!
My pleasure Crystal!